I woke up exhausted after seven hours of sleep today. I felt like I was at the top of the hill on a massive roller coaster, starting the descent and picking up speed as I went. Normally, I love roller coasters, but today it was nothing more than a fucking nightmare.
It all started Tuesday when I drove out to see Daddy after work. We didn’t want to think about being separated for an entire week so I offered to come out after work on Tuesday and work from his home on Wednesday. It was an opportunity to spend more time together, which we really need. We had agreed that it was painful to say our goodbye’s every time I had to leave and that being apart was just torture.
I was excited to get out there because Daddy had plans to take us to a toy store to get some things that we needed. It was sure to be a lot of fun. I was also just plain excited because Daddy had passed a kidney stone that was really hurting him and I was happy that we would be able to spend some time together where he was not in agony.
Shortly after I arrived, Daddy, his other sub and I were sitting in his office while Daddy was reading messages on AFF. He got up and went outside to smoke which left us sitting together inside. It was quiet and I commented that Daddy was in a good mood and it was nice that he was feeling better. I realized at that moment that I had never actually spent any time with Daddy when he wasn’t in agony from his chronic pain. I asked her a question, as a person who knows him better than anyone. She told me that he has good days and bad days so some days he needs to medicate and others not so much. I understood, it makes sense. I then said that I was concerned about him managing his pain when he is at my house. I don’t want him to be uncomfortable while he is here since he wouldn’t be able to do that in front of the kids. She immediately said that he would never smoke in front of the kids. Of course, I knew that and wasn’t very concerned other than that I will be worried about making sure he is comfortable and not suffering under my roof. We then started talking about going to the toy store and that we were hungry and then the conversation was all but forgotten by me. A few minutes later, Daddy came back in and we made plans to go out for the evening.
We had so much fun over the next few hours. We drove to a sex toy store and we laughed so hard while wandering the store and looking at all the toys and costumes and movies. A paddle caught my eye at the exact same time as Daddy and we both reached for it at the same time. OMG…we really do like all the same things! It was hysterical. We then went to another shop which ended up being a waste of time since they had nothing to look at. Then went to Walmart where we had way more fun than we were supposed to buying lube for the new plugs we bought. Daddy bought two bottles of his favorite lube and he had the women laughing hysterically that were helping us. Of course, the lady at checkout was not at all amused…but that was pretty hysterical too!
By the time we got back to the house, Daddy was feeling pretty miserable. He felt another stone come loose and start traveling. He was in bad pain again and we went to bed without playing at all. I was perfectly ok with that since I came out here to spend time with him not for playtime, though it is a pretty big bonus when we do play! I just felt awful that he was hurting so bad. It is really hard to see someone you love in pain like that. We cuddled and I slept most of the night. I had to get up in the morning and do some work so I got up and went downstairs quietly so he wouldn’t get disturbed. He needed every minute of sleep he could get. The day was stressful with issues coming up and multiple phone calls that I had to deal with. I was stressed. Daddy held me and then brought me upstairs where he relieved my stress and cleared my mind the way only Daddy can. I love him so much. He knew exactly what I needed.
When I was done working for the day, we went up to Daddy’s room where we held each other and I rubbed his back to distract him from the pain. We both fell asleep for a bit and I was hopeful that he would wake up feeling a little better. Time flew by as it always does and neither of us wanted to face the fact that I had to leave soon. It was time though, so Daddy came with me to put gas in my car, pick up a sandwich for dinner and then some drinks for the road. We talked about how much it hurts when I leave, how we will need to find a way to be together all the time, we talked about being married eventually and how much we loved each other. I was so happy and my heart was full. I even asked if he wanted to just pack a bag and ride home with me right then and there. I just wanted him to be with me. He couldn’t do that though because he had a bunch of things that he had to do the next day, so I drove back to Daddy’s house.
Daddy gave me a big hug and kiss and told me that he would call me during my ride home. I then sadly began my drive home. I was distracted and wondering what Daddy was up to as I slowly approached my exit for home. I was about 20 minutes from home when the phone rang. Daddy! I was so happy as I answered the phone but Daddy didn’t sound happy at all. I asked what was wrong and he said something about me not wanting him around my kids or talking about him behind his back or something. I can’t even remember what he said anymore because I couldn’t comprehend what was happening. I was just looking at him 90 minutes ago feeling sad about leaving and now he is angry at me for something and I don’t know why. He said that she told him that I was worried about him getting high in front of my kids and he was hurt about us talking about him. I tried to explain that this isn’t at all what happened. We did not have a big conversation, not gossiping, nothing like that. I was concerned about him managing his pain. Then he just hung up on me without another word. What the hell just happened? I tell Daddy everything and that conversation with her was so short and seemingly unimportant to me that I had forgotten that we even had it, now she is telling him that I have concerns with him and my kids? Why would she do that? It wasn’t accurate at all. I tried to call him back but he answered and then hung up on me again. I cried because I just didn’t understand what I could have done wrong. A little bit after that she called me to apologize for causing trouble, she said that she got everything mixed up in her head and got Daddy really mad. She was so upset and I tried to calm her down but I really couldn’t because I didn’t know if it was going to be alright or not. I was worried that Daddy was going to leave me because of a misunderstanding.
I never did hear from Daddy again that night. I felt that I was being punished for something I didn’t even know that I did. In the morning he sent me a message, angry that I said that I was hurt and repeating that I was talking about him behind his back. Again stating that someone was lying to him. I haven’t told any lies and I didn’t know what to say to prove that. He was so angry…I couldn’t concentrate at work and I kept crying in my office because I was overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do. I tried to call him again on my way home but he wouldn’t take my call. I said everything I could think of but I don’t know if he will ever trust me again. I let my down my walls for him, I allowed myself to be vulnerable to him, I developed feelings for an important person in his life and we had an incredible dynamic being built. We were not gossiping or talking behind his back. We do talk about Daddy but it isn’t any different than him talking to her about me when I leave. We talk about how silly he is, how much fun he is and how much we love him. We cuddle and we laugh and we are happy.
I told Daddy that I love him and that I don’t want to lose him. I want to fix this and I don’t want him to be angry with me. He said he loved me too. Now, we are on the path to forgiveness and understanding. We have used our words and listened to what the other has to say. I forgive him for yelling at me and thinking the worst and he forgives me for not asking him directly about my concerns. We are in a good place again. I love my Daddy so very much and am so happy that we can go forward with love, understanding and positive energy. The rollercoaster has stopped plummeting and is slowly returning to the platform where I can unbuckle the seat belt and calmly emerge into Daddy’s arms.